November 14, 2011 - What You Imagine is Real

I just got married.  Yup.  Married.  To myself.

A lot of people who know me probably are wondering WTF is she blathering about but I have to tell you, marrying yourself is probably the biggest commitment you can make in life.  I stood up in front of a crowd of people and declared myself not just "okay" but amazing.  Not to sweeten my ego or give myself props in order to feel good, but because I meant it.  I shared my victories and shared my vulnerabilities and did it out of absolute love and trust in myself.  If I can't love myself unconditionally, with compassion, who the hell would?

  The brides and our mentors arriving for ceremony - we had a fab spa day first!

My life is blessed in so many ways I lose count.  The people I love, the people who love me, the beauty of this planet, being able to do what I love in life....the list goes on and on.  Sometimes when I'm alone and thinking "this sucks," I remember that I'm really never alone.  I'm surrounded with love.  I just need to open my heart and my eyes and look.

Long ago, I imagined one day I would be in a place where I was at complete peace and acceptance of myself.  What I imagined is real.  As I reach for further goals in life in my acting career, in my personal relationships, I repeat that mantra.  What I imagine is real.  Live in the moment and feel it.

October 11, 2011

I have been sitting around agonizing for months about this blog, wondering what was worthy to write, what was "interesting enough", "sounding professional", blah, blah, blah.  And as a result, I didn't write a damn thing.  Nada.  Zilch.

What is THAT about?

I made some very interesting discoveries.  One, I have been trying to hard to sound like I have something important to say that I lost my own voice.  I reread my last couple of blog posts and wanted to vomit.  Not my voice!  Two, I was writing this blog for the wrong reasons.  I don't want to be an "authority" on anything, I just want to write.  Maybe someone will read it.  Maybe not.  The main thing is to write about the journey, the process of doing what I do.  Not to prove anything.

Coming to those conclusions, I just said eff it.  I combined my two blogs - I had a separate pictorial blog, mainly about my life, and a separate acting blog.  I can't separate the two.  Part of the reason I had trouble "finding something" to write about was that I was compartmentalizing myself when I live in a one-room house.  I'm not an advice giver, either.  I just wanted to document my process living in NYC being an actor.  Sometimes it ain't pretty.  Sometimes it's boring as hell.  It is what it is and I wanted to normalize that.

So here I am.  I've been busy; that's not the issue as to having nothing to write about.  It's being afraid of speaking, like I don't have a RIGHT to write about my experiences.  I've lived my life under a shadow of fear - to be seen is to be annihilated.  I was a kid that experienced abuse that taught me that lesson.  I'm not a kid anymore, nor do I have to live my life being afraid.

Tomorrow starts another personal year for me.  Yup.  It's my birthday, a day I usually ignore.  Not this year.  I'm here and I'm going to say so.  And I'm going to celebrate!

March 25, 2011

Spring brings energy and renewal in many ways.  We are inspired by the natural world exploding back into life from dormancy to move forward with the plans and goals we've set for ourselves in the cave in January and February.  As an auditioning actor, I look for ways to change things up for myself - find new monologues and work them out, start new training, meet with casting directors, directors, writers, producers, audition for roles that might be a bit different or risky...in other words, move the energy of my life from the internal nesting instinct of the winter to the exploding of energy into the world with action.

I find that I tend to get ungrounded if I don't have a plan set for myself.  I bet there are a lot of actors out there that feel similarly.  In our training, we are taught how to access our deepest emotions but are often not taught how to survive out in the "real" world while keeping our sanity.  I find it absolutely necessary to find ways for myself to stay in the now with my life and career, as hard as it might be on any given day.  For me, I have a shamanic spiritual practice that helps me stay focused and true to myself.  I know other actors who have practices like yoga, meditation, sports, art, volunteering, politics even. 

It's easy to get caught up in our own drama.  It's easy to say don't, but life is full of the unexpected and often knocks us for a loop.  Make sure your plan has backup to care for yourself.  We need to enjoy life and experience everything we can, good and bad, to be the best actors we can be.  Live the process and tuck all those experiences inside as fuel for the acting fire. 

March 2, 2011

Starting off with a new acting coach can leave you feeling like a rank beginner again!  I've been studying British acting training with Ruth Kulerman for a month now and it's hard at the moment because it's so different from most of the Method and Meisner-based training I've had.  Forget connecting to emotions.  Connect to the text, the sounds of the words.  To pitch and rhythm.  And what do you know?  The emotions are there.  Fascinating, Captain!  I do love working one-on-one.  In an hour, I can get more accomplished than in a month of classes.

I also started private singing lessons with Adam Roebuck - I have my second lesson tomorrow.  I'm actually enjoying it.  Me, Ms. Anti-Musical.  Both the acting and singing coaching are supporting each other in developing my voice and power through my voice.  It's not about volume.  Sure, I can be loud and project like a charm.  That's not necessarily the most powerful choice.

Speaking of powerful choices, I saw John Gabriel Borkman with Alan Rickman, Fiona Shaw and Lindsay Duncan at BAM.  Power is when Alan Rickman, who maintained an amazing contained stillness suddenly bursts out with "I LOVED POWER" and the whole theatre was so dead silent you could hear the person next to you breathing.  A riveting performance.  Not Ibsen's best play, but certainly relevant, given the Bernie Madoff/Wall Street scumbags of our day and age.  And beautifully staged.  I love live theatre.  Love it.

My business plan is set, my goals are on the move and I have several casting director seminars coming up later this month, along with a large mailing going out and continuing to work on the staged reading/development of the new play 5 Days Into Madness.

January 26, 2011

Many blogs I've been reading have to do with "setting goals" for the New Year, which is admirable, but I find that what's more important than setting goals is having an actual PLAN of how to make those goals become reality.  Creating a plan takes time and the skill of being able to break down a long-term goal into definable and doable steps.  Actors get caught up in how "everything is out of my control!"  We lament about this constantly.  "If only...."  I do it myself.  Frustration and fear fuel the "if onlys".  "If only I had [fill in the blank], I'd be getting auditions for [fill in the blank]."  "If only I was [fill in the blank], I'd be a lead on [fill in the blank]."  What defeatist thinking!

I can only speak for myself.  The best tool I have is my will.  Will lives within the spirit; it's what drives me to do in the world, for whatever reason (and there are many reasons!).  Getting clear  and boiling down to the brass tacks what I actually GET out of my long-term goals is essential to being able to achieve anything.  What is it I really want by being an actor?  Whatever it is, I don't have to tell anyone, but I do have to be clear to myself or guess what?  NOTHING WHATSOEVER will happen.  I will spin my wheels, lament how unfair the business is and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's.  Gee, that's living the high life.

So my January 2011 has been spent formulating The Plan.  Getting clear on what the hell I want to get out of being an actor.  This isn't just "oh, I want to star in a feature film or tv show" or "I want to get an agent" bs.  Those aren't goals.  They're wishes.  Dreams.  The payoff of being an actor to me isn't about what someone else can give me (i.e., roles, agents, awards, fame, whatever!).  It's what I give myself through the work and what I can give back to others through the work.

I'm using a lot of different tools.  Meditation, journaling, art.  Leslie Becker has an email series of 9 "weeks" of tasks to help goal setting and action planning that rocks.  I found a new acting coach (start next week!) and I'm going to begin singing lessons in February.  I'm getting back into the swing of going to EPAs for projects that intrigue me as well as continuing to pursue film, television and commercial opportunities.  Great Hair Day continues to bring in residuals!

Though I just now got an email canceling an audition for Friday (project postponed), I know it's all part of The Plan.  Shit happens in this business and I have to roll with it.  It'll be rescheduled.  Business plans need to be flexible but not so flexible that they lose shape.  I know why I'm on this path and that makes walking on the path much more inspiring.  It's my path; I lay the stones, I choose the direction and I decide why, how and how far.  It's not about "if only" someone else gives me a break.  It's about how I create my life to be the best it can be.

"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans," said John Lennon.  I think what's often overlooked is that if you're not busy making other plans, you can't see the life that is happening around you.  So get busy!

Here's to The Plan!