I have been sitting around agonizing for months about this blog, wondering what was worthy to write, what was "interesting enough", "sounding professional", blah, blah, blah. And as a result, I didn't write a damn thing. Nada. Zilch.
What is THAT about?
I made some very interesting discoveries. One, I have been trying to hard to sound like I have something important to say that I lost my own voice. I reread my last couple of blog posts and wanted to vomit. Not my voice! Two, I was writing this blog for the wrong reasons. I don't want to be an "authority" on anything, I just want to write. Maybe someone will read it. Maybe not. The main thing is to write about the journey, the process of doing what I do. Not to prove anything.
Coming to those conclusions, I just said eff it. I combined my two blogs - I had a separate pictorial blog, mainly about my life, and a separate acting blog. I can't separate the two. Part of the reason I had trouble "finding something" to write about was that I was compartmentalizing myself when I live in a one-room house. I'm not an advice giver, either. I just wanted to document my process living in NYC being an actor. Sometimes it ain't pretty. Sometimes it's boring as hell. It is what it is and I wanted to normalize that.
So here I am. I've been busy; that's not the issue as to having nothing to write about. It's being afraid of speaking, like I don't have a RIGHT to write about my experiences. I've lived my life under a shadow of fear - to be seen is to be annihilated. I was a kid that experienced abuse that taught me that lesson. I'm not a kid anymore, nor do I have to live my life being afraid.
Tomorrow starts another personal year for me. Yup. It's my birthday, a day I usually ignore. Not this year. I'm here and I'm going to say so. And I'm going to celebrate!
